


listen before i go

by pipsqueakparker (lafbaeyette)



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Emotions, Gen, M/M, Tarot Card Fic, Tarot: The Devil, Visiting, and stuff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-14
Updated: 2020-07-14
Packaged: 2021-03-04 22:34:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 695
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25263937
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lafbaeyette/pseuds/pipsqueakparker
Summary: There’s so much I wish I could tell you, that I could explain.It’s been so many years since the last time this happened, since I last tried to reach you.I can feel it thinning again, I can feel another opportunity approaching. I only hope it’ll work this time.Simon.It’s cold and lonely here. I’m left with nothing but the memories, they swallow me whole sometimes. They never tell you what happens after…I suppose this is why.--AKA, The One Where The Veil Thins Again
Relationships: Lucy Salisbury & Simon Snow, The Mage/Lucy Salisbury, Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Comments: 6
Kudos: 84
Collections: Carry_On_Tarot_Collection





	listen before i go

**Author's Note:**

> (no i absolutely did not get distracted with moving stuff yesterday and forget to post this, it is 100% still july 13th thank you) 
> 
> This is my fic for the CO Tarot Collection: The Devil 
> 
> It's meant to go hand-in-hand with my fic for The Hanged Man, [suspension & metamorphoses](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25187515). 
> 
> big ol' thank you to @annabellelux for the title 💙
> 
> In tarot, The Devil represents bondage, fear, feeling trapped, and unhealthy relationships. Obviously, my first thought was Lucy and The Mage. Reversed, the card represents divorce and freedom from restraints, which are the elements that I wanted to use to tie the fics together. In a way, they're meant to shine a comparative light on the relationship that brought Simon into the world and the relationship that Simon built with Baz, which broke expectations. Also, it's a lil' fic to give you Feelings about Lucy and Simon. 
> 
> Either way, I hope you enjoy it.

**LUCY**

_There’s so much I wish I could tell you, that I could explain._

It’s been so many years since the last time this happened, since I last tried to reach you.

I can feel it thinning again, I can feel another opportunity approaching. I only hope it’ll work this time.

_Simon._

It’s cold and lonely here. I’m left with nothing but the memories, they swallow me whole sometimes. They never tell you what happens after…

I suppose this is why.

_He’s_ here now. I can feel him, I know he’s crossed over, though I don’t know where he is.

I’m not sure I want to find out.

I wonder if he can feel me, or if he cares. I’ve had a lot of time to think now, to reflect on what we had. Or rather, what we didn’t have.

_Love._

I thought he loved me, but I feel I can never be sure now. I don’t think he loved me the right way, I don’t think I knew how to _be_ loved the right way.

Perhaps I should have listened to everyone, to the warnings. Mitali only wanted to protect me, but I was smitten and…

And I thought he loved me. It _seemed_ right. He always seemed to need me.

But I don’t think what we had was real. I don’t know if he was capable of the sort of love I longed for, because there was always one thing he put before everything else.

Power.

You know power well, Simon. So well.

You never let it overtake you, all those years. You gave it up, willingly, to save others.

Even with his conditioning, with his blood running through your veins, you aren’t anything like him.

And I couldn’t be more proud.

_You know how to love, Simon. My rosebud boy, you know how to_ be _loved._

I’ve seen it, seen _him_. Through the veil, when I’m able to see you. To visit, to make sure you’re still okay.

The way he looks at you, Simon…

We didn’t give you the life you deserved. I didn’t have the chance, and he…

Well. You deserved _more_ from him, you deserved better. You deserved so much.

You have everything you deserve now, and so much more.

_You’re so alive, Simon. And you’re so loved._

I’ve had the time. So much time now.

What we had wasn’t love. It was control, it was the _power_ that he was after. Even you were a power grab, Simon. He didn’t _want_ you, he wanted your power, and I can’t…

I can’t forgive that. I can’t forgive myself for bringing you into that, and for leaving you. I was trapped, Simon, stuck in the restraints he disguised as love. It wasn’t fair to you, but —

_You broke out._

He couldn’t keep you under the same spell.

_You’re so much stronger._

You didn’t fall into the same thirst for power.

_You’re so much stronger._

You defied the odds, you found your own ending.

You’re so much stronger, Simon.

_“You’re so much stronger.”_

Blue eyes blink open, staring right into mine. There’s a flash of panic before it settles into something softer, something understanding.

_“You see me.”_

Another bewildered blink, lips parting around a quiet puff of air.

It’s cold and lonely here, but for a moment I feel the warmth of your gaze, the heat of your skin under my palm.

I lean forward and press my lips to your forehead.

_“My rosebud boy.”_

“Mum.” It’s a soft, fragile sound, as if you’re afraid speaking it will let it tumble from your lips and shatter somewhere on the ground.

It’s growing colder, I don’t have long.

_“I love you, Simon.”_

Round, wet blue eyes.

Your hand reaches out for him, the blankets shuffling next to you. I see the concern in his eyes before I’m gone, I see the way he looks at you.

_The way he looks at you, Simon._

You found it. You found the type of love we’re all searching for.

You both broke free of the parts you were asked to play, and you found your own future. Together.

You’re so strong, Simon.

I’m so proud.

**Author's Note:**

> find me on tumblr: [@pipsqueakparker](pipsqueakparker.tumblr.com)


End file.
